going back

i’ve considered and honestly, i think i rather be back at blogspot. because i miss that place, and i should stop changing usernames and all.

so yes, read me back here at blogspot .

bye!

blood

it’s so painful, i’m bleeding internally.

you

i should learn to let go, i know.

i should stop crying, i know.

i should accept the things that i cannot change, i know.

i should study hard and not laze around, i know.

i should focus more on my books instead of grey’s, i know.

i should hate people i cannot love, i know.

i should stop feeling impatient and angry, i know.

i should learn how to be more tolerant, i know.

but i cannot, because after a year of healing, the wounds are reopened.

people drained me

i was going to post up little notes to people, because i’m stressed out by everything that’s been happening this week and last. people coming back, people standing me up, people giving up, people in general. but i realised my words would hurt, and that i should just keep them anonymous, or rather, not talk about them at all. i feel like a bottle. trapped. today was a rough day. the past week. i barely slept. this week. i nearly hyperventilated again today. i walked, directionless. i blasted linkin park’s minutes to midnight. i barely smoked, barely ate. barely made eye contact. i needed someone to distract me. nobody. until now.

and i’m grateful for him. because nobody but him would be willing to hear me rant and rant. after ranting, it was suddenly apparent to me that i should let things be. because nothing would change. i don’t expect people to change. when you’re late, you’re late. when you keep changing your mind, i will just have to accept that i cannot rely on you anymore.

so many thoughts running through my head. i thought i was having a heart attack just now. then i realised that i just needed to breathe. i have almost forgotten to breathe, lost in the labyrinth stuck in my head. in circles, thick, stubborn strands of.. people. & it’s exhausting to try to keep up with them.

i need alcohol. or maybe, just more grey’s anatomy.

random thoughts

sometimes people surprise you.

1. sam: we’ll hang out soon, don’t stress. thinking of you always.

2. gloria: omg i can hardly wait for you to come back. i’m envious of your life over at aussie, but come back in december and we’ll catch up.

3. d.n: you told me that 2 weeks after anti-depressants i’d be dancing on the table, but the truth was after those 2 weeks i ended up in a ward. thank you.

oh but it’s all alright in the end.

money matters

this weekend was spent at yang and alvin’s house. i woke up at 2 today! it felt so comfortable, and the air-con wasn’t even switched on. then alvin had to cook noodles for yang and me and it tasted good. then it was just slacking, lying around, reading, watching television. and all that was so much better than walking around town, looking for some form of entertainment, spending money and feeling terribly broke.

i have $0.90 with me now. that is how broke i am. i don’t spend as much as a teenager should because i hardly get enough allowance as it is, but try living on my allowance of $200 a month and you’ll get what i mean. i’ve never met anyone whose allowance is lower or the same as mine. because the truth is, it’s just not enough.

but anyway, i think i should try to update more. i’ve been trying to work more too, so that i can get more moolah.

anyway, i bought nice books (30% discount, remember?) from page one and a crazy $4 sale at plaza singapura so i’m just going to hit the books and have a nice night before i go to bed. good night.

leave out all the rest

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I’m done here

So if you’re asking me
I want you to know

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
[End Chorus]

Don’t be afraid
I’ve taken my beating
I’ve shared what I made

I’m strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I’ve never been perfect
But neither have you

So if you’re asking me
I want you to know

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
[End Chorus]

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You’ve learned to hide so well

Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can’t be who you are

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You’ve learned to hide so well

Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can’t be who you are
I can’t be who you are

given up – linkin park

Wake in a sweat again
Another day’s been laid to waste
In my disgrace
Stuck in my head again
Feels like I’ll never leave this place
There’s no escape

I’m my own worst enemy

I’ve given up…
I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?
Take this all away
I’m suffocating!
Tell me what the f**k is wrong with me!

I don’t know what to take
Thought I was focused but I’m scared
I’m not prepared
I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow somewhere
And no one cares

I’m my own worst enemy

I’ve given up…
I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?
Take this all away
I’m suffocating!
Tell me what the f**k is wrong
with me!

GOD!

Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my…
Put me out of my f**king misery!

I’ve given up
I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?
Take this all away
I’m suffocating!
Tell me what the f**k is
Wrong with me!

i’m feeling so constricted. yes i know i’m only 19, but with this much shit in my home i wish i can have a place that’s my own, where i don’t have to talk when i don’t wish to talk and where i don’t have to report my ins-and-outs and all that crap. & no my family is far from normal. even my relatives.

it’s like everybody in my world is insane.

pms

if there’s something to regret, it’s not learning how to cycle when i was younger. now i can finally find my sense of balance, though losing it immediately a second later, after a moment of trimph. but lucky me, i still manage quite fine. a few more times, and i’ll get the left-right thing correct.

but i’m feeling low. pms? post-menstrual syndrome?

write right

demoralised as i am right now from the unstoppable emails of rejections where i had sent in articles hoping to contribute, i will not stop. my morale has been freaking low lately as i question my ability to write properly, write well, write – just write. it made me feel inferior when i missed that mentor access project opportunity. they rejected me, and i feel as though i’m not good enough. but thinking about it, i guess poetry is just one way i can use to express my feelings inside. so if they aren’t considered “good enough”, it’s not my problem because poetry, to me, is 100% personal. either you like it or you don’t. but either way, it’s still MY poetry in the end and i can’t make people like them. i’ll just continue writing until i gain the recognition one day. i hope i can do it. i want to do it. i know that i can do it.

i’ve been feeling lethargic the whole of this week. it’s not just my period, it’s the inability to concentrate and focus as well. i think i am a little stoned, yet the moment i go hyper i cannot think straight. fatigue is like the plague. it eats me inside. i always feel like sleeping, sometimes even suicidal because why the fuck am i so sleepy i can’t do so many things that i need to do i should kill myself... that kind of mentality.